Your webspinner regrets to inform you that this is not humor. Every statement in this résumé is true and can be verified easily almost anywhere. This résumé has not been updated since 2003 — your webspinner is too disheartened by the evil the Bush League is promoting in the name of its corrupt definitions of freedom and liberty (promote it abroad while reducing it at home) and of Christianity (no, God does not approve of war, preemptive or otherwise!). But when I DO update it, I plan to give prominence to Bush's DOUBLING of the national debt; he has single-handedly done in five years what took 42 presidents 212 years to do before him. (Jimmy Carter DECREASED the national debt!) I also plan to give prominence to Bush's betrayal of his oath of office and treason against the U.S. Constitution, as he and the other "robber CEOs" who have usurped the government work systematically to transform the United States into a fascist dictatorship. If normal standards of morality still held, Bush would have been impeached 12 or 13 times by June 2006.

Past work experience:

• Using $600,000 loaned to me by Poppy's friends in a fit of purest altruism, bought a two percent share of the $86 million Texas Rangers baseball team in 1989 to become its figurehead-only “manager” in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox. My original investment is estimated to have brought me a profit of $14 million.
• A member of the board of the Silver Screen Management Co. from 1983 to 1993, I received more than $100,000 for contributions to the production of more than two dozen Hollywood slasher movies, including 1986's “The Hitcher,” which one reviewer called “gizzard-slitting depravity.” Now claim to have no idea what I did that was worth more than $100,000.
• Founded an oil company in 1978, Arbusto [“Bush”] Energy, using $3 million raised by uncle Jonathan Bush from such investors as grandmother Dorothy Bush, as well as $17,000 from my education trust fund. Sadly, was unable to find any oil in Texas. Bailed out by father's friends and political investors in 1982, 1984, and 1986 (1986 bailout was from company in which the bin Laden family has invested substantially), to the tune of approximately $10 million over those four years. Arbusto went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
• The 1986 bailout came about through Harken Energy Corporation, which gave me well over $600,000 of Harken stock for my valuable services as a “consultant.” On June 22, 1990, I sold two-thirds of my stock for $848,560, more than double what it had been worth when I obtained it, and one week before Harken stock lost 60 percent of its value. According to U.S. News and World Report, there is “substantial evidence” that I knew of the impending disaster.
• Ran for Congress in 1978 and was thoroughly trounced.
• Spent most of college years emulating the character Bluto in the movie “Animal House.” As president of Delta Kappa Epsilon, the most drunken fraternity on campus, hotly defended my fraternity's hazing practice of branding pledges. (Yes, branding!) Solid C average at grade-inflation-happy Yale thanks to status as “legacy” of Phi Beta Kappa Congressman father. At Philips Andover prep school, where I was also a “legacy,” my record is under lock and key. The dean of Philips Andover was so pessimistic about my chances of getting into Yale, even as a legacy, that he strongly advised me to have a backup plan.

As governor of Texas:

• Changed pollution laws to favor power and oil companies and virtually single-handedly transformed Texas into the most polluted state in the Union. More than 4,400 miles of Texas rivers, roughly one-third of Texas’s waterways, don’t meet basic federal standards set for recreational and other uses. They are unswimmable, unfishable, and, for the most part, undrinkable. Thanks exclusively to my policies, the number of stations monitoring for pesticides in Texas waterways fell from 27 to two.
• Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in America. Houston, the nation's oil- and petrochemical-industry headquarters, has been called an ecological disaster zone.
• In 1999, when international oil prices collapsed, pushed for and won a $45 million federal tax break for Texas oil-and-natural-gas producers.
• Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
• Set record for most executions by any governor in American history.
• Became president after losing the popular vote by over 533,000 votes, with the indispensable help of father’s and spiritual grandfather’s (Reagan’s) appointments to the Supreme Court.
• Forced bill through the legislature making June 10 “Jesus Day.”

Accomplishments as president:

• Political
  • Attacked and took over Afghanistan and Iraq. Forgot promises to Afghanistan in 2002 budget, allotting zero dollars for reconstruction and aid; early in 2003, Taliban is set to return soon.
  • Set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips than any other president in U.S. history.
  • Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in U.S. history.
  • Set the record for the fewest press conferences of any president since the advent of television.
  • Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any president in U.S. history.
  • Presided over the biggest energy crises in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
  • Dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
  • My presidency is the most secretive and un-accountable of any in U.S. history.
  • Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. (The “poorest” multi-millionaire, Condoleeza Rice, has an Chevron oil tanker named after her).
  • First president in U.S. history to order a preemptive U.S. attack upon and military occupation of a sovereign nation.
  • Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
  • First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission. (Considering the current leadership of the Human Rights Commission by Libya, Cuba, and the Sudan, this may actually be a positive accomplishment.)
  • First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the elections monitoring board.
  • Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of Congressional oversight, than any presidential administration in U.S. history.
  • Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
  • Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
  • Refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners of war and by default no longer abides by the Geneva Conventions.
  • First president in U.S. history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. elections).
  • Changed U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts. Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
  • In the 18 months following the 911 attacks, successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.
  • Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in U.S. history.
  • In a little over two years, created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the U.S. has ever been since the Civil War.
  • First president in U.S. history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
  • First president to run and hide when the U.S. came under attack (and then lied, saying the enemy had the code to Air Force One).
  • First U.S. president to establish a secret shadow government.
  • Took the biggest world sympathy for the U.S. after 911, and in less than a year made the U.S. the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in U.S. and world history).
  • With a policy of “dis-engagement,” created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
  • Fist U.S. president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
     
• Economic
  • Spent the surplus provided by the Clinton Administration and bankrupted the treasury.
  • Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in the history of the world.
  • Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
  • Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
  • In first two years in office, more than two million Americans lost their jobs. Cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any president in U.S. history.
  • Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
  • Presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
  • Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
  • Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
  • Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in U.S. history.
  • Entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.
     
• Personal
  • First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
  • First president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
  • First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history, engaging in actual work less than 42 percent of the year.
  • After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
  • Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest presidential action (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any individual person in the history of humanity (http://www.hyperreal.org/~dana/marches/).
  • All-time U.S. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
  • Biggest lifetime campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation; Enron was also a major player in the California energy crisis of 2001, engineered by Enron and similar companies for their gross profit.)
  • Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.
  • Failed to fulfill pledge to “get” Osama Bin Laden “dead or alive.” Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capitol building. After 18 months, still no leads and zero suspects.

Records and References:

• At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).
• To avoid having to serve in Viet Nam, I got Poppy to get me a job with the Texas National Guard, where I got a one-of-a-kind commission to second lieutenant, and thus didn't have to bother with Officer Candidate School. After a few months of pooting around learning to fly an airplane that was declared obsolete when I finished (I scored 25 percent on my pilot aptitude test), I went AWOL from the National Guard, deserting the military for more than 18 months during a time of war (1972-73). This is a felony offense that Poppy managed to get ignored.
• Refused to take drug test or to answer questions about drug use.
• All records of tenure as governor of Texas have been removed to George Bush Sr.'s library and sealed in secrecy; they are unavailable for public view.
• All records of SEC investigations into insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• All minutes of meetings for any public corporation on which George W. Bush served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• Any records or minutes from meetings George W. Bush (or Dick Cheney) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
• Established the Carlyle Group to manage post-war revenues. Heading up the Carlyle Group (surprise, surprise): George H.W. Bush and James Baker.

Personal:

• Reside in Crawford, Texas, with occasional vacations in Maine and a visit now and then to Washington, DC.
• Married to Mrs. George W. (Laura) Bush, a former librarian who knows her place.
• Fraternal twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna (born 1981), with knowledge of distilled spirits almost rivaling my own. Nude photos of Barbara and Jenna, taken off the Internet, were found adorning the walls of Uday Hussein's private gym (NewsMax.com). This photo is of Jenna (in the skirt) and a friend at a fraternity party.

© 2003 Kelley Kramer