When astronomers showed Earth was lowly,

not Heaven's sweet center most holy,

Philosophers grumbled

at theories crumbled.

As one said, “I wish someone had Ptolemy.”

   

As the poets have mournfully sung,

death takes the innocent young,

the rolling in money,

the screamingly funny,

and those who are very well hung.

(by W.H. Auden)

   

There was a young lady from Nachez

whose clothing was always in patches.

When she was asked why,

she replied, with a sigh,

“Because, when Ah itches, Ah scratches.”

There was a young vicar from Salisbury

whose manners were quite halisbury-scalisbury.

He went around Hampshire

without any pampshire

'til his bishop compelled him to walisbury.

There was a young fellow named Hall

who died in the spring in the fall.

'Twould have been a sad thing

had he died in the spring

he didn't — he died in the fall.

The youths who frequent picture palaces

have no need for psychoanalysis.

And though Dr. Freud

is distinctly annoyed

they cling to their long-standing fallacies.

   

There was an enchanting young bride

Who ate many green apples and died.

The apples fermented

inside the lamented

and made cider inside her inside.

   

There was a young girl from Rabat

Who had triplets: Nan, Pat, and Tat.

It was fun in the breeding,

but hell in the feeding,

as she found she had no tit for Tat.

   

A swimmer whose clothing got strewed

by breezes that left her quite nude

saw a man come along,

and unless we are wrong,

you expected this line to be lewd.

   

There once was a girl named Irene

who lived on distilled kerosene.

But she started absorbin'

a new hydrocarbon

and since then has never benzene.

   

A crafty young bard named McMahon,

whose poetry never would scan,

once said, with a pause,

“It's probably because

I'm always trying to cram as many extra syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”

   

Miss Farad was pretty and sensual

and charged to a reckless potential.

But a rascal named Ohm

conducted her home.

Her decline was, alas, exponential.

   

“Ten times now, dear Daphnis,” said Chloë,

“you have told me my bosom is snowy.

You have made a fine verse on

Each part of my person.

Now DO something — there's a good boy.”

   

There was a young lady from Yap

who had acne all over her map.

But in her interstices

Lurked a far worse disease

Commonly known as the clap.

   

There was a young plumber named Lee

who lay plumbing his girl by the sea.

She said, “Oh! Stop plumbing!

There's somebody coming!”

Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It's me.”

   

There was a young vampire named Mable

whose periods always were stable.

So every full moon

she took out a spoon

and drank herself under the table.

   

A rabbi from far-off Peru

was desperately trying to screw.

His wife said, “Oy vey!

If you keep on this way

the Messiah will come before you.”

   

There once was a mathematician

Who preferred an exotic position.

'Twas the joy of his life

to achieve with his wife

topologically complex coition.

   

There was a young fellow named Clyde

who fell in an outhouse and died.

Along came his brother

and fell in another

and now they're interred side by side.

   

Archimedes, that well-known truth-seeker,

jumped out of his bath with “Eureka!”

He ran half a mile

wearing only a smile

and became the very first streaker.

   

A Christian Scientist from Theale

said “I know that my pain is not real.

When I sit on a pin

and it punctures my skin

I dislike what I fancy I feel.”

   

While Titian was mixing rose madder

His model ascended a ladder.

Her position to Titian

Suggested coition

So he climbed up the ladder and had her.

   

There once was a nympho named Jill

who tried dynamite for a thrill.

They found her vagina

in North Carolina

and bits of her tits in Brazil.

   

There once was a duchess from Bruges

whose c—t was amazingly huge.

Said the king to this dame

as he thunderously came,

“Mon Dieu! Après moi, le déluge!”

   

There once was a man from Racine

who invented a f—ing machine.

Concave or convex,

it could serve either sex,

but oh, what a bother to clean!

   

Said Einstein, “I have an equation

that some may think Rabelaisian.

Let V be virginity

approaching infinity

and P equal constant persuasion.

   

Now, let V over P be inverted

and the root of persuasion inserted

It is easy to see

the result, Q.E.D.

is a relative,” Einstein asserted.

   

There were two young ladies from Birmingham.

Shall I tell you the story concerning 'em?

They lifted the frock

and diddled the cock

of the bishop as he was confirming 'em.

   

Now the bishop was nobody's fool.

He had been to a large public school.

So he dropped down his britches

and diddled those bitches

with his six-inch episcopal tool.

   

Said one girl as the bishop withdrew,

“Not bad for a bishop, 'tis true.

But the prick of the vicar

is thicker and quicker

and three inches longer than you!”

   

There was a young man from Nantucket

whose <bleep> was so long he could <bleep> it.

He said with a grin

as he wiped off his chin,

“If my ear were a <bleep>, I could <bleep> it.”